I saw exhausted Team B trainees sleep in the dance studios after training, because the mats there were just like the ones in their dorms. I only ever saw one Team B trainee get promoted to Team A. If Team A trainees misbehaved, or complained about something they might be threatened with being thrown out or moved to Team B. But generally nobody complained. We were all really young and ambitious.
The company's attitude was that everything we experienced was part of learning the discipline needed to be a K-pop idol. So we just accepted everything. Inside the company building, we didn't use our own names, except with other trainees. We were each given a number and a stage name in keeping with the sort of character they had picked for us.
I was given the name Dia, but our instructors would only ever call us by our numbers, which they read from stickers on our shirts. It felt weird, a bit like we were in some sort of science experiment. The company favoured me, because I am very small - instructors constantly praised me for being petite.
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Don't get me wrong, I love eating, but I'm lucky to have a high metabolism and don't gain weight easily. Weight was the constant obsession of everyone there. Everyone was required to be no heavier than 47kg 7st 6lb or lb regardless of their age or height. At weekly weigh-ins, your body would be analysed by the trainer, and then they announced your weight to everyone in the room.
If you were over the designated weight, then they would ration your food. Sometimes they would even take away entire meals and those "overweight" trainees would just be given water. Starving yourself was really normalised. Some trainees were anorexic or bulimic, and many of the girls didn't have periods. It was common to pass out from exhaustion. Often we had to help carry unconscious trainees back to the dorms.
I passed out twice during dance practice, probably because I was dehydrated or hadn't eaten enough. I woke up in bed not knowing how I got there. The attitude among the trainees after that was like, "Good for her! She wants it so much! I found that I didn't really have good friends there, everyone was more like a colleague. The environment was way too tense and competitive to forge real friendships.
The stressful atmosphere was heightened by the monthly showcase events. Each trainee would perform in front of everyone and be evaluated by the instructors. They would be replaced by a constant stream of new arrivals. What was even more intimidating was that some of the new trainees had already had plastic surgery done, so they already looked more like K-pop stars than the rest of us.
There was also bullying going on among the trainees. One girl was picked on because she was over the maximum weight. Another trainee who was a good dancer had his dance shoes stolen.
I missed my old friends back in England but I couldn't really keep in touch with them as instructors made us hand in our phones so we would focus on our training. The company also wanted to make trainees seem more mysterious before they debuted, and didn't want us posting anything embarrassing on social media. We could get our phones back for 15 minutes at night, and I would use that time to call my mum.
But most trainees also secretly kept a second phone. My parents knew that training was difficult, but there really wasn't much they could do because I was under a contract and they were so far away. Most of the Korean trainees wouldn't tell their parents anything at all because they didn't want them to worry.
However, the company only had spots for fewer than half of the members of Team A. We competed for them through constant examinations in singing, dancing, and interviews. K-pop groups are typically organised like this: a lead vocalist, dancer, rapper, youngest member, etc. Everyone has a specific role. I was delighted when they told me I had been picked to be a lead singer. But then the company said they were considering me for an alternative role in the group, the visual.
The visual is the face of the group. You get picked for this because of your appearance, and crucially, how you might look in the future.
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Another girl was in competition with me for this spot. She was naturally more attractive than me, but the company predicted that if I got plastic surgery I would end up prettier than her and would then be ready to be the visual. By Korean standards I have a very big face, so they wanted to change the bridge of my nose and shave my jawline.
The company couldn't force a trainee to have plastic surgery, but it was strongly encouraged. Plastic surgery is very normal in South Korea and the prospect of having surgery didn't bother me at all. I saw it as an investment in my future - the cost of the operation would have been added to my debt to the company. But my mum had mixed feelings, she realised it meant I would be closer to becoming an idol, but she was also worried for me.
They told me that I was going to be a K-pop star, and that's really amazing to hear, especially when you're an impressionable teenager hearing that from powerful people. They told us the music genre, the style that we would have, and I started feeling iffy about the whole thing.
- 'I could have been a K-pop idol - but I'm glad I quit'.
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I learned about the character behind my stage name, Dia. She was supposed to be very reserved, sweet, and innocent. As the visual, I would be expected to personify those characteristics. But Dia just wasn't me. I'm opinionated and loud. I doubted I would be able to keep up this docile personality in public.
I thought it might just be worth it if it led to me becoming an actor. But when I tried talking to the company about my ambitions the response was: "No, we think you'll fit better with this girl group. Someone senior there told me that as I was half-Korean, if I pursued an acting career then the best I could hope for was a supporting role on a TV show.
My contract came up for renewal before my group was due to be launched - and I said that I wanted out. It's really unusual to walk away, most trainees want the dream so badly that they'll agree to anything. If I had stayed and debuted with the group then I would have been charged for the cost of my instructor fees, accommodation, and for any plastic surgery.
Even successful acts have to continue working to pay off all the debt incurred during training, and the new debt that builds up when you're an idol.
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It's actually really difficult to make money by being a K-pop star. I returned to England without having had any plastic surgery and was reunited with my old friends. I was able to sit my exams with everyone else. I went on to do an art foundation course and then got a place at a fashion school in France.
I'm really fortunate because so many trainees get dropped at 18, or finish their contracts when they're 21 and feel lost. They gave up everything to try to be a K-pop idol, but that's ended and they find themselves with no qualifications. My mum was so happy that I was back. She always believed training wasn't the right thing for me. But she knew I had to find that out for myself. I had to go the long way round, but I learned that mum is always right. When I see videos of the group I was to have been in, I feel relieved that it isn't me up there on stage.
The whole thing feels fake to me, as I know those girls personally, and the way they have to behave in public is not what they are like in real life. I love making videos for my channel. I find I'm applying a lot of what I learned in my K-pop training. Browse profiles photos of the religious right who is a sample of time. Is an online dating sites for ontario singles since and republicans say that works? Try conservative women in short word as individual as conservative dating sites.
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