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It was a rare moment for me, but one I wanted to share because I know so many of you struggle with it. Also, give me your best title for Tip Tuesdays! I need your help - add a comment with something fun, catchy name. Watch for some inspiration for how to leave online dating and actually meet more people.
I met more than one hundred men through cell phone apps and conducted in-depth interviews with at least 23 of them. In ethical terms, I sought to present myself from the start as a researcher and kept profiles that explained my condition as a Brazilian sociologist conducting an investigation about the use of mobile digital media in San Francisco. I was able to achieve a diverse and expressive group of interlocutors, even if my body and my corporality had also impeded or made it difficult to obtain proximity with some profiles such as trans people and men with a heterosexual social life, but who secretly look for same-sex partners a practice called DL, or on the down low.
Little by little, I was able to perceive that because I am white I was seen to be closer in class terms to my interlocutors in the United States than in Brazil and — in a certain way — my corporality is seen as more masculine in the U. Moreover, I found that nationality reinforced my masculinity and, at times, attributed a certain sex appeal to me linked to the American erotic imaginary about Brazilians.
I tried to have face-to-face meetings with all those willing to give interviews, always meeting in a public place according to their schedules. The best and longest interviews took place after their work hours or on a day when they were free, which also allowed me to accompany them on some daily activity such as shopping or laundry Americans often wash their clothes in automatic laundries outside their apartments. Of the 23 people I interviewed in person, I had closer and more prolonged contact with three of them, who I present to reflect on their lives in the city, how they use the mobile digital media in their sociability and their various experiences in romantic and sexual relations with other men.
The first lives in Noe Valley, the second in Hayes Valley and the third in the Castro, three different neighborhoods, but not very far from each other and with a gentrified profile.
Parker is 24, black, was born on an Air Force base in the American Midwest, and grew up in Sacramento, the capital of California, he said it was a sprawled city of nearly one million people with a very conservative lifestyle. His mother separated from his father when he was young and he was raised by only his military father in a Baptist family; a religion that he distanced himself from during adolescence when he said that he discovered he was gay. He has a degree in accounting. When he told his father he was gay, this created a great distance in their relationship.
He then moved to Silicon Valley, in San Jose, where he shared an apartment with friends and began his professional life. He currently lives in San Francisco, works at a startup in SOMA and looks for older partners for a serious and monogamous relationship. Juan, 29, comes from a city on the southern California coast. Unlike Parker, Juan is not looking for dates and says he is happy with only fuck buddies and that San Francisco provides this in abundance.
The son of a black mother and white-Mexican father, his racial status is difficult to classify, even for North Americans. His parents separated and he was raised by his mother, but maintained a close relationship with his Mexican grandparents. He explained that his maternal family became distant from his mother because she did not marry a black man, and because she became a Catholic. He has a degree in administration and works in Silicon Valley for a multinational company.
He considers the Bay Area an ideal place for the lifestyle he has chosen, but affirms that it is difficult to stay in the city due to the high cost of living. Joe, 33, is a descendent of Italians, was born in New Jersey, and decided to move to San Francisco, combining the professional opportunity that he found in the city with its open and liberal environment, and affirms that he is focused on long-lasting relations and that the hookup culture left him depressed to the point that he sought psychological help.
He now combines therapy with anti-depressives and is trying to recover by expanding his sociability. He said that in relation to friends, he has difficulty finding romantic partners because he likes to stay at home and enjoys more intellectual activities like theater and opera. My closest collaborators have in common that they are young professionals with university education who have come from other cities in search of work opportunities and also better conditions for their romantic and sexual lives. The fact that they are from other locations is what they say is most common in the region and I also found this upon meeting dozens of people, most of whom had moved to the Bay Area.
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San Francisco is a city that — like New York — attracts many residents because of its economic, cultural and education dynamism. It has residents from throughout the world, but undeniably, people from other parts of California and neighboring western states predominate. One thing is certain, if the dream had once been to move to San Francisco, today it seems to be to be able to stay there. Parker said that he has come out to his family and friends, but does not show his face on app profiles. In a certain way, this is coherent, given that Parker told me that he has never had a relationship as he would like to, but that he is trying to find one with white men, older than 30, who generally have more stable economic and personal lives.
His most recent relationship was with a white man who lived in the suburbs, who was recently separated from a woman. This is a prototype of a well adjusted and socially accepted man. As observed in other recent ethnographies, like that of Michael Kimmel , Parker and other nonwhite men I interviewed usually defined their searches by refusing a hookup and saying that they are focused on a LTR long term relationship. But I also perceived that the rationally initiated intention that they told me defined the search became modified with the contact and as a result of the relationship.
He smiled without responding. I understood that affairs that did not become relationships retrospectively could be seen as hookups, which is even a way to downplay their importance. Juan, meanwhile, complained that he attracted college guys much younger than himself. On his profile on the apps he only partially shows his face and more of his defined chest. He has lived in the city for a few years and appears to be integrated to local gay life without adhering too much to the Castro circuit.
His racially mixed profile appears to eroticize him, as does his athletic southern California style. Like Parker, he seems to look for partners whiter than himself, but without expectations of creating a monogamous relationship.
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In part, as I discovered after a few months of coexistence, because he came to have a fixed partner for a few years, but found out that this man had been cheating on him regularly through the apps, which Juan discovered when they planned to live together. Juan had a special inclination for conversations about cultural differences and beyond English, spoke Spanish well, a bit of German and Arabic.
He liked to travel and said he loved Spain and Italy, but had a special admiration for Japan. He said he did not like China and it was clear he had no interest in Chinese-Americans, which he made a point of stating each time he interacted with them. Brazilianness was a mutant attribute that at times stuck to me and at times did not, leaving me with a peculiar status in the eyes of my interlocutors.
My Brazilian nationality was raised in the discussion almost always as a need to contrast my proximity with them or of the white Americanness with that of other Brazilians. The fact that I am Brazilian approximated me to them despite my whiteness. At the same time, my Brazilianness was de-eroticized in comparison with other Brazilians, who are frequently seen as darker, to have a stronger accent and remembered erotically as potential partners. Parker and Juan said they felt at ease with me even though I am white, because even though I have red hair and green eyes I was different than a white man, closer to blackness and or Latin in their eyes.
In common, although never verbalized, I believe that my condition as a foreigner who appeared to be a local made me an interesting and safe contact, given that it was separated from networks of local relations that could cross with theirs. Parker in particular, perhaps because he was younger and in a tumultuous relationship, was the one who appeared most to hope to discover something about himself in our conversations and interviews.
San Francisco
Juan, in turn, appeared more curious about Brazil and the Portuguese language, than in the opportunity to understand himself through our contact. A bit older, but above all much more secure about his life and his sexuality than Parker, he was more interested in expanding cultural horizons in his friendships. Joe, due to his recent depression and psychological treatment, was clearly drawn to self-examining conversations which — not by chance — led him to associate much of what we discussed with what led him to therapy.
Parker and Juan, in the U. Parker is tall, muscular, dresses with refinement and drives a BMW. Juan, who is close to 30, commented to me that he was afraid of losing his appeal in the spaces of gay socialization, which he sought to counterbalance through exercise and dieting. His defined physique, athletic lifestyle and California manner of someone who grew up on the coast appears to me to clearly explain why he attracts jocks who are still in college or recent graduates.
Joe, in turn, said he has difficulty keeping diets, and did not consider himself disciplined for exercise like most of his friends in the Castro. Without being exactly chubby, Joe has a normal body type, which according to him, in the context in which he lives, makes him not very attractive. In San Francisco, according to my collaborators, a convergent point of the local erotic regime is the fact that young, white and fit men appear to occupy its center since at least the peak of Falcon Studios, which produced gay porno films that helped to disseminate this model.
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Currently, the pornography industry appears to have lost ground to the exchange of amateur porn over the Internet and even over cell phones. In any case, a few times a Brazilian youth who circulated in the Castro was pointed out to me as one of the best-known porn stars among gays. The recent social transformations in San Francisco are usually synthesized in a phrase that is incessantly repeated by many of those I interviewed during the seven months that I spent in the Bay Area: the Internet killed the gay bar. According to David M.
Halperin : , there was a drop from gay bars in the city in to only 33 in , something I consider to be associated not only to the new media, but also to the sanitization that took over this sphere of sociability with the persecution of tobacco, alcohol and the rise of the gym as the new center of gay life.
Thus, even the Castro has lost its importance and for some of the younger gays has become an old-fashioned neighborhood.